hi

i hate you
i lied (i love you)
you don't even know the half of it
or even a quarter for that matter

i love you
i lied (i hate you)
you used to kiss me everytime i said something cute
now you don't kiss me at all

i want you
(i lust for you)
endless nights are spent
solely thinking about you

you love me
what's the truth? (i don't actually know)
i make you indecisive
you think i'll be the death of you

what's the truth of the matter?
(i probably will)

honey, honey

open your eyes
and close your mouth
could you for once feel what i feel?
share an ounce of sympathy?

honey, honey

you're killing me deep inside
you ripped my heart right out
my body trampled
oh, how i bleed for you

honey, honey

love me once
don't kill me twice
you promised you'd change
men lie

honey, honey

say good bye
turn around
and walk away
i'm finally through with you

stop.
come over.
put your stuff on the table.
drop your pants.
talk to me in a low voice.
rock my world..
or at least try to. ;)

you don't know what you do to me,
baby.

remember last december?
the freezing air nipping at our noses?
snow gently drifted from the sky
a white blanket coated the ground
our foot steps made impressions in it.
you took my hand
and under the moon lit sky and in the crisp air
you kissed me-
our first kiss.
did you close your eyes as you pulled me closer?

i wrapped my arms around you and didn't ever want to pry myself from your's. so this is what good bye felt like. and when is the next time i'll see you? we really can't keep doing this to ourselves.

you stood on the platform and watched me crawl slowly into the backseat of the car. tears were already forming in my eyes, trying their hardest to escape and cross the thresh hold. i wouldn't let them fall. i looked at you outside of the window. you smiled and waved. i blew kisses to you, the car started to pull away. you moved with the car, never breaking eye contact with me and continuously waving until we were just another car passing through the dark, under the street lights and the low hum of the busy city.

i missed you already.

headlights from cars passing by blinded me. the loud stereo and the speaker blaring next to my ear had nothing on all the commotion in my head.

i hated leaving you. i hated saying good bye. i hated not knowing when i was going to see you again. i hated the sudden emptiness that crept into my body and bore its way into my heart.

i bet you never knew.. that you were my all.

dear you.

for some reason i'm having a really hard time trying to stop thinking about what we discussed at your friend's house.. and everytime i think about it.. it hurts.

sometimes.. when i think about you, i almost think about you in a superhuman form.. because you're always around for me, and feel like you'll be around forever. and whenever i'm having a bad day (or a bad month) i can always come to you, and you're like a rock for me to lean on. and it's hard for me to think that you could even possibly have the same feelings as me.. because i see you as being that way. and i realize this is obviously wrong of me. because you're entitled to feel any way you want to feel. or maybe, don't want to feel.. but do feel.

it's just really upsetting to me, to know that you feel sad.. and that you have all these negative thoughts surrounding yourself. because when i look at you, and you tell me these things, from my point of view, they seem completely unjustified.. because i see you as this incredibly amazing person. you're smart, you're funny, and intelligent, talented, and handsome, and you're definitely a great friend. i consider you one of my best. and speaking in a strictly platonic way.. i love you more than you'll ever know.. you mean soo much to me. and every second that you feel bad, i just want to be there and hug you, and tell you that things will be all right. because i know they will. and i know you'll get through this. and i know that it's tough, but it can happen.

i called my mom tonight, to talk about it. because i'm worried. and maybe i'm overreacting.. but i don't want to just sit around.. and wait for something to happen. and when i was talking to her, i started to cry about it. and if i may be selfish.. then don't do anything to hurt yourself, for me (if not for yourself).. because i don't know what i'd do without you. and mom said that she loves you.. and she thinks that you're a very unique person.. and that she liked you instantly from the first moment she met you, because you were out going, and had a great personality.. and 2935729357 more compliments that maybe aren't worth taking up your time to mention (unless you would actually care to know, in which case you can call and ask her.)

i feel as though this email is just about long enough now.. and it's not even the quantity that i care about.. i just want you to know that i care about you very deeply.. and that, if you should EVER need to talk to anyone, about anything.. please, please call me. any time of the day.. any hour of the night. don't hesitate. and if i'm not home.. leave a message and i'll call you back the second i walk in.

i love you. and i'm sorry if i've made you cry at all throughout this.. because i know i haven't stopped since the second i started writing it. :) please take care.. and i'll try to talk to you soon. <3

my thoughts and feelings are poured out endlessly at the tip of this pen onto this blindingly white paper. and i have you to thank for half of it. because at most times you're inescapable. this pen bleeds red like my heart bleeds for you. for you to notice me, for you to love me, for you to forget her and only know me.

i've spent my entire life pining over those that i can't have, and won't have. i thought i knew of love, turns out all i know of is unrequited love. and everybody knows that's no way to love.

there are a million things i'd like to tell you and a million things that you won't hear. there are a thousand places i would like to touch you, and a billion memories i'd like to make with you, but you're not one to give me a chance. hundreds of things you'll never know and you'll never see because you won't let me show you.

i can look in your eyes and see your passion and see your innocence, but you don't let anyone in. you won't let me explore them. you cover it all up and build up this wall so that you don't get hurt.. don't you know that that wall is making you dead inside. and sometimes we need to feel that hurt to put us back in our positions. maybe you don't want to know that.. maybe you're perfectly happy knowing you're half way dead.

god, i don't know what you're scared of. i don't know why you let me in little by little and then push me completely out.

"hearts are broken everyday."

it's not fair that you don't care for me half as much as i do for you.

i'm afraid of falling in love too quickly
i'm afraid of loving him so much more than he would ever love me
i'm afraid of having my heart broken
i'm afraid of caring and not getting that in return
i'm afraid of opening up for fear that i'll get hurt
i'm afraid of never getting over you
i'm afraid to take chances
i'm afraid that i'll never be in love
i'm afraid that i'll be alone for the rest of my life
i'm afraid that i'm doomed to be a failure in every way possible for a person to be a failure

i'm afraid, that i'll never be happy.

i'm not trying anymore because this has all become a trite expression not worth more than that of 'unrequited love.' and i hate you for the things you put me through and multiply that hate by 10 because you don't even know what you put me through. i guess now, a broken heart is all i have to offer you or anyone for that matter. and just because your heart was torn doesn't mean you had to impart the same hostility on mine. i thought you were a god-send and you turned out to be no better than the devil in blue suede shoes.

and i don't know what to do. i'm so caught in the middle. so stuck in between. because i wanna be with you, but you don't wanna be with me. we drift apart and then drift together and then you push me away. i can't keep letting myself get trampled on. i'm tired of you walking all over me and not even realizing it. and it saddens and it sickens me to think and to know that i go out of my way to please you.. and you don't even care if you please me. so please, put my heart on a silver platter and serve it for dinner.

it's not worth more than the price of dog food. thanx to you.

my eyes burn, and my stomach aches.. i feel like i've lost something. like i've lost everything. and like nothing will ever be whole again. or even decent for that matter. and i can't shake the feeling that i've fucked something up with you, and that things are going to stay this way forever. and i can't stand it, because it makes me want to die. to know that i've hurt you, and that you've hurt me. and that we're both dying inside. and i want to reach out, and just hold you.. but you won't. you won't let me. you won't return the favor. and i'm tired of screaming because you don't hear it. and i can't whisper anymore. and my body's about to give out because there's a hole where my heart is supposed to be. you've taken everything, and you've left me with absolutely nothing. now i've got nothing.